Battling Demons


There is so much that I wish I could blog about right now, but I can’t. Hopefully I can …. soon. Until then I have to keep it in.

Keeping things in are hard. They eat you up inside and make your brain go into overdrive. They cause stress, which then turns into anger and I find my short temper gets even shorter.

We are struggling, with things that have happened and things that are happening, and things that are going to happen. We are struggling to come to terms with all these changes. We are battling an ever losing battle. We are struggling with the lack of support. We are struggling with J and the way he is and fear things are just going to get worse. We are simply struggling, yet no one can see.

I am struggling with myself. I am struggling with my anger and hurt from years and years gone past. I am struggling to control my temper. I am struggling to control my ever shouting voice. I am struggling to control the issues I have. I am struggling to accept that my depression is back..but it is.

Yesterday I took a step forward in the right direction and sought help. I went to see my GP where I burst into tears as soon as I sat down. I blurted everything out whilst my GP sat and listened. We went through things and she offered suggestions. Then she said that I may benefit from going back on to anti-depressant. Those who read my post Depressions a B!itch and I refuse to be its friend know how much I don’t want to be in this position right now. How much that I really want to battle this horrid torment on my own, but I simply can’t.

I struggle to accept that I am a Manic Depressive and Depression will always try to rear its ugly head throughout my life. I NEED to accept this and I need to accept the help that is offered! I’ll struggle, but I will accept it.

I need to get better for my family. For my husband who see’s me battling my demons every single day and cannot do anything to help me. For my children who need Mummy to be better, who need mummy to not be angry and shouting.

I NEED to get better before I lose my family…..

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  1. April 20, 2012 / 5:52 pm

    Amazing post! this is really heartfelt. I suffer with mild depression and have M.E so I know how an ‘invisible ‘ illness can affect those closest to you. People just don’t SEE the battle, from the minute we open our eyes until we close them again. You have at least done the right thing and are getting help. I know there is no overnight cure but wishing you well soon 🙂

    • April 20, 2012 / 6:04 pm

      Thank you for your comment. Depression is horrid and hard to see as it hides away just below the surface ready to pounce on you. As much as I don’t want to be back on the meds, I know it is the best thing for now.

  2. April 23, 2012 / 10:00 am

    I think it’s wonderful that you have sought the help that you so need. There is no shame to taking anti-depressants. Sincerely hope they help to give you that breathing space that you need so that you can start building your life and happiness back to where they should be. x

    • April 23, 2012 / 5:38 pm

      Thank you for your comment Kate. I really hope they help me too. I know there is no shame in taking them. I guess that stems from a past experience I had when on them xx