For as long as I can remember I have had the longing to be pregnant. Even weeks after having given birth I longed for that feeling.
To see those two pink strips on a white stick. To see the first flicker of a heartbeat. To feel the first flutterings, the mighty kicks and to watch my expanding belly make waves as the little being inside it wriggles around.
To count down to the impending arrival. To get the bags packed, the clothes ready and the car seat cleaned.
To hear that first cry. To see that cute button nose and take in it’s fresh newborn smell. Count ten fingers and toes and see the elation and pride on my husbands face after witnessing the birth of his new child. To see the excited faces of our other children as they meet their new sibling for the first time.
After we had Zachary we made the decision not to have any more children. That four was enough.
But every now and then, I feel a pang of regret. Regret for our decision. For making it so final and permanent.
I get jealous upon hearing other peoples pregnancy and birth announcements, knowing I’ll never get to do that again.
I cry. I cry for the children I so desperately want but will never have. I feel guilty. Guilty as I already have four beautiful, healthy and happy children and they should be enough. They are enough….
I try to refocus. Concentrate on the future of our family as the six of us. To enjoy watching my children grow up.
Most of the time I know that the decision we made was the right one for us – financially and emotionally.
But there are times I can’t help but think….. Just one more wouldn’t hurt??
As a mother do you ever get over that broodiness and the longing to feel a baby kicking inside you?