I often find myself feeling very alone and isolated. I’ve never been one to have many friends. At school I was never in with the popular crowd. I had a select group of friends,but then in my last year of school, I didn’t attend much and when I finally returned 6 months later, I felt that I had missed out on a lot, and felt a bit out of place amongst my friends. I sat my GCSE’s and left, not really keeping in touch with anyone, except my best friend S.
That was until I went and screwed that up too. S and I became friends in our first year of High School. We became really close friends. We had our first 2 children within months of each other. We’d been there when we’d both suffered miscarriages. Then we both found out we were expecting again, and our babies were to be born within weeks of each other. We couldn’t have been happier. Then the worst thing happened. I started bleeding and a scan at 12 weeks showed we had lost our baby.
S, however continued in her pregnancy and had a healthy baby. I didn’t see S throughout her pregnancy and when the birth announcement arrived it hit me hard. I should have been announcing the birth of my baby too. Instead, I was grieving still for the baby I had lost. I had also discovered I was pregnant again, but an early scan revealed a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was facing losing another child, so I did what I know best, and pushed people away.
I hid/deleted a lot of my pregnant friends from my Facebook. I just couldn’t handle it. It turned out my baby was ok, but it was too late. Damage was done with my friends.
I have recently got back in touch with S, but it’s not the same. We’re “Facebook” friends…. But that’s all….and it’s all my fault.
I try to be a good friend, but if I’m honest, I don’t think I’m a good one. I think a lot of it comes from being let down a lot as a child. I was bullied a lot and had zero self esteem and confidence. Why would anyone want to be my friend?.
It’s only now looking back that I regret what I did. I can count my friends on one hand. But, I don’t feel confident enough in my relationship with them to call out of the blue and say “Hey, put the kettle on”.
I spend my days on my own with the children, whilst it seems everybody else lives these busy lives with lots of friends to either visit, help them out with babysitting etc. I can go days or weeks without hearing from anyone. I text/Facebook, but either get no reply or takes a few days to respond. Maybe it is me? Maybe I’m not a nice enough person to be worthy of such friendships that other people have, or maybe I’m such simply….a crap friend!!!