Do you ever have moments when you just feel totally inadequate? A bit ‘out of place’?
I had that feeling a lot growing up and still get it now.
Growing up, I spent a lot of my time being bullied by other kids at school. I grew up with no confidence, self esteem, and always felt like a loser and a total failure.
I had a few select friends, but over the years we moved on or grew apart. I became a loner with hardly any friends…and still feel that way now.
I met P and had the children. I returned to work, therefore play dates and baby groups were out of the question.
I’m one of these people that can easily put on a front. I can pretend not to be shy, when really I’m quaking in my boots. I have zero confidence! Confidence in myself and confidence in my abilities. I try to be who people want me to be, who people perceive me to be hiding behind the screen and creating a different me on Twitter and Facebook! A me who I think people will like. I try to be nice. Sometimes I’m too nice!
I came from a negative background. I’ve become a negative person. Always look at the negative side. Always look at what went wrong..Never at what went right or the brighter side of life. I moan…a lot!! Too much sometimes! (please feel free to tell me to shut up)
I feel like no one likes me …. most of the time.
I’m laying it down straight! I’m hoping writing it all out I can read and re-read and how bloody stupid it sounds!
There’s no reason for me to have no confidence. I’ve never particularly failed at anything I’ve done. I always try to please. I’m a Virgo….a perfectionist and if something’s not right, I’ll carry on until it darn well is! I’ve been good at all the jobs I’ve had!
I want to be a better person. I want to be a confident bubbly person. I want to meet new people. I want to do something with my life, to make it better. Not just for me but for P and the kids too. I hate relying on P financially, but I don’t like the thought of working in an office for next to nothing pay. I want to watch my last baby grow up after missing out on so much with the older 2.
I want to find out Who I Am! I don’t think I’ve ever known who I truly am…will I ever find out who I’m truly meant to be?
I hope so! And I hope she’s a fun loving, bubbly, confident, entrepreneur with a touch of style and finesse (long legs and tight abs won’t go amiss either but I think that’s pushing it!) … Maybe 2012 will be the year she shows herself…