Maintaining Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship

This is a post that I have considered writing for a while. It’s something that I have gone to write and then deleted several times.

You see, it’s not normally something that I would write about here, for several reasons really. Let me list them for you.

  1. It’s not something that is generally discussed outside of a couple.
  2. This is a parenting blog.
  3. It’s inappropriate.

And here is my justification.

  1. Perhaps it is a little taboo. Something that couples keep to themselves. After all, not everyone is so open to talking about sex.
  2. No, this is NOT a parenting blog. It is MY blog and I can write what the fuck I please (and yes, I do swear!). I may have written about the children in the past, but I am moving away from that. I am turning my blog around and taking it being about me. That means I can write what I like, without fear that I am going to be blacklisted by PRs and Brands who will no longer want to work with me. I don’t give a shit, to be honest.
  3. No, it’s not inappropriate. It’s a way of life!

So, if you are of a prudish nature and think that you may be offended by this post, I recommend you don’t scroll any further. If you want to know our secrets to maintaining intimacy in a long term relationship… read on.

maintaining intimacy in a long term relationship

Before I start, I want to say that I am by no means an expert here, but I want to share our experiences. I am also not saying that intimacy is the be all and end all of a relationship, because it’s not. Relationships are based on more than just sex, but, in my opinion, it is vital in maintaining a strong bond with your partner. After all, we are human beings who crave sexual desire.

I will also be the first to hold my hands up and admit that there have been moments in our relationship where having sex was the last thing that I wanted to do. And I am sure that Paul has been there too. There have been times when pregnant and after childbirth, that getting intimate was the furthest thing from my mind.

But, things change. People change. Needs change.

I guess you can say that perhaps turning 30 last year had me reach that stage in my life where I am finally becoming comfortable in my own skin and learning to accept the body that I have. It’s not perfect, far from it, but it’s the only one I have, so I best get used to it.

With this mindset, I have discovered that my views to sex have changed. Being comfortable with who I am has unlocked a side to me that was always there but hidden – whether that be out of fear of rejection from others, or just low self-esteem and lack of confidence in myself.

Nonetheless, it is a side that I am enjoying and along with it, I have realised that we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about sex, especially with our partners.

Which takes me to point one.

Opening up the relationship

No, I don’t mean bringing in other sexual partners, unless that’s something you have discussed and are both happy with.

By opening up the relationship, I mean being honest with each other. Discuss sex, your likes and dislikes, fantasies, everything. You shouldn’t be ashamed to tell someone you have been with for a long time what you think about sex and any desires that you have.

Paul and I have found that by being completely open about what we both enjoy, what we think about, what we want to try, has really opened up our minds – as well as discovering things about each other that, even after 13 years together, we didn’t know. And, we have discovered that what we enjoy is pretty similar – which probably explains why we are so compatible.

Make each other a Priority

I once read somewhere that a woman should put her man above anything else, including the children. Now, whilst I am not advocating this, I believe that children, especially multiple, are a big priority and put a lot of strain on a relationship. Combine those with the usual day-to-day stresses of the house, work, money etc, and you can see why a lot of relationships break down.

I get it, I really do, and we have been there. But what always brings us back, is that we make each other a priority.

Once the children are settled for the night, Paul and I will generally make a cup of tea and head upstairs ourselves. We will lay in  bed, watch some tv and snuggle up. Not everything about being intimate has to revolve around sexual intercourse, although we know that is a big part of it.

Now, I am going to be completely honest here, and perhaps over share way too much information that you may be comfortable with, but so be it.

Sexual intimacy for us does play a huge part in our relationship and we are intimate practically every night. Obviously there are nights when we are too tired, poorly, mother nature is visiting or we just cannot be bothered, and that’s fine too.

Intimacy is all about spontaneity and should never ever feel like a chore. For me, the moment having sex with my husband starts feeling like a chore, then we have serious issues in our relationship.

Discover Yourself

Take some time to discover you. Become comfortable in your own skin.

I’m not suggesting that you pack your bags and go away for a week – although I have done that, and to be honest, it did help our relationship. But take some time out, away from everyone and just concentrate on you. It doesn’t even have to be long.  A coffee down your local Coffee Shop or 30 minutes in the bath with a glass of wine.

For me, I have a few things.

Now the older three children are at school, and Zachary is in pre-school for 2.5 days a week, I have some free time. Tuesdays and Fridays are my two whole days, and ones I try to spend working on building my own business. Thursday morning, I only have 3 hours, so I do something for me. I will go to the gym and take my time on my workout. Swim, sit in the steam room, shower, then maybe grab a coffee after and sit with a magazine and chill.

The next thing is not just for me, but for Paul too.

Wear matching underwear.

I have a really big thing about matching underwear. I love it. It makes me feel good, especially if its sexy underwear.

 Have Fun

This is so important in a relationship, in general. But I can totally recommend taking it to the bedroom too.

How kinky you want to get is entirely down to you, but having fun can open up so much.

Take those pictures of each other, heck take pictures of yourself and send them to each other through the day.

Sext. Role play. Dress up. Dirty talk. Use toys.

Whatever it is that gets you turned on and getting intimate with each other, do it. Don’t be afraid to experiment with each other. If something doesn’t work, then you don’t have to do it again, and no one will know except you two.

 

Sometimes, it’s good to widen the boundaries. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised!

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